Day 1

It has been about 5 months since I last did a post. I broke my promise, and I stopped writing. In the course of time between my last post and this one, I got more than enough opportunities to learn a lesson in life. I got all confused and moody and you know, just kinda grouchy.

The scary part I think was when I realized that I had let myself go.

I took a break from feeling nervous and confused about finding a job, thinking about what I needed to do to get ahead in life and just kinda coasted for a while eating the fruits of my labor and turning off my peripheral vision so I could just go to work and come home and go to work. I think that everyone is right when they say that one needs an "outlet". I have gone through many phases of outlets and they come and go whenever I feel like it. The two that mainly stuck with me though was cooking and writing - and those were the two that actually made me feel better and calmed me down, but mostly they just kept me grounded. For 5 months I told myself that I was too busy to do either of these and I ended up being miserable.

I forgot how much joy there can be in just prepping food. I also forgot how much joy there is in writing (not proofreading or editing or formatting). Because I wasn't incorporating an outlet, my stress from everyday things including my job started to eat at me - for instance, my stomach now burns on a scale from "ouch" to "oh Jesus Christ" after I eat any meal. Because of this, cooking anything that takes any sort of preparation, such as dicing onions or getting rid of the seeds in a Jalapeno or watching over a sauce isn't an option. I hurt even after eating toast.

Today, upon realizing how I can manage to get back my grace and strength and composure, I realized just how pretty my little burrito looked before I popped it in the microwave. I took a picture of it and I remembered why I started this blog in the first place. My first sentence in my first post was that I intended that this blog would make people happy. I had no clue where it might go, but I figured that if I blended my two loves of food and writing into one it just might go somewhere and be something. That little burrito reminds me of when I would make one before racing out the door to go to class in college and when I would just make one after a long day in the office because I just wanted something fast and sustainable. It also reminded me that it's one of the things that I make that I never get tired of, regardless of how stupid and simple it is. I also realized that in the last 5 months...I never made any little burritos. I never even made macaroni and cheese out of the box. I never managed to let myself go and succumb to stress and just make something quick. I just remained in the perpetual cycle of stress, and forgetting what it really means to make something good to eat. It's like I had forgotten how to cook.

I took the photo of the burrito and started writing this while eating it. Never has black beans out of the can or mozzarella cheese out of a bag tasted so wonderful. Of course, my stomach spoke just a little but I quieted it with a couple of acidophilus tablets. I hope that with time I will be able to eat everything again and make the time to actually prep something and cook it and eat it and enjoy it and write about why I did so.

My little burrito was the last reminder that I've come back, which is why I've titled this post "Day 1".

This blog post doesn't have any pictures, but........

So earlier this summer I promised to many of you that I would start (and maintain) a blog. The whole "maintain" part has slipped as of September, and I have more than 15 drafts sitting in my account. I have tried to write about everything from my last temporary position, to my new apartment, to another round of facing unemployment, recipes, and a sudden decision to head to New York - something that I will never forget, and although I love that city so much I have missed it each and every day since I got back....I still couldn't find the inspiration to write. I tried to find something that inspired me to share with you, yet every time I noticed that I kept focusing on what was happening to, well...me. Too selfish, kinda boring, and reading more like diary entries, I never finished any of those drafts.

So I guess I'll just jump to the point and let you know that all of this has culminated finally into what took six months to get: a job. A real, permanent, full-time job. I'm saying this now because I'm looking at those 15 drafts and I need a reason to get rid of them, and move on to writing about things that actually matter. This job involves editing, writing, formatting, and deadlines. It involves three windows that are taller than I am that look out towards downtown Portland, and a building that is on the Register of Historic Places. It involves a group of people that care about not owning a car and influencing others to consider the same. Sometimes I wear jeans to work, and I can sit cross-legged in my chair. I don't hear blackberry's going off every minute and so far I'm lucky enough to not sit in a two-hour meeting. There is even a compost bin.

To celebrate new beginnings and looking towards the future, I am currently eating my favorite meal that requires barely any preparation: an assortment of meats, cheeses, vegetables, bread, and wine. I am also going to delete all 15 posts that I couldn't find the inspiration to finish. Instead, I'm going to summarize my last 3 months of unemployment and frustration now - in serious hopes that tomorrow I may be able to blog about something you can actually relate to.

In October my temporary job had ended, and I had ended up going from preparing to move to San Francisco to take on a marketing job in a satellite office....back to searching for jobs in my current city. Feeling flat and defeated (again), I scrounged up the money I had made, the money I had saved, and the last spark of adventure I had gained while thinking about San Francisco and the possible idea of moving.....and charged all that energy into my first ticket to NYC. Fast forward about a month - and it's 5:30 AM at the PDX and I'm standing in the security line waiting to board my plane.
Sometimes people can write novels about New York. They even say a picture can be worth a thousand words. I have told my story about New York countless times and each time it never seems like I can hit it right. I remember everything, everything about New York. I remember how I felt when my plane touched the ground in JFK. I remember the sheer confusion when I took two subway lines into Manhattan. I remember feeling elated when I first popped up from underground and found myself on the Upper East Side. I remember my first meal there. I remember my first morning. I can even remember when I finally fell into the pace that New York sets and felt completely comfortable with that city. That was around the time when people started asking me for directions. I remember how it smelled. I can remember how it moved. I have a picture of Union Square on my desktop at work and to this day I can look below those trees and see the streets I took to get to Chelsea Market, SoHo, and the West Village. I can't really explain how much I miss New York, except that I'm pretty certain that I will go again this coming Spring.
Once back from New York, reality really kicked at me. I had three interviews, one of which kept interviewing me, the other hired someone internally, and the third one fell off the face of the planet. The first one though I was so close, but with the holidays approaching, they kept saying "January". Thanksgiving came and went, Christmas came even faster. This was the first year I couldn't afford gifts for anyone, (which by the way - if you want to know what depression feels like ...not being able to give during the holiday season is what depression feels like). New Years eve rolled around, and in a ridiculously sparkly dress and plastic champagne cup in my hand, I rang in 2010 and silently hoped for things to get better.

Present day: I'm gnawing on a piece of dry salami and washing it down with some leftover ginger ale from a bout of food-poisoning I just recovered from. The New Orleans Saints have won the 2010 Super Bowl. The sun is taking a little longer to set. That first place I interviewed at re-posted their job advertisement. A friend of mine just signed his first work contract and come tomorrow he too will say goodbye to six months of unemployment. I am relaxing after my third Monday of tackling proposals, editing resumes, and becoming familiar with a new company. The days of waking up at 10 AM and wondering what I am going to do feel so far away. The consistent, nagging, uneasy feeling of unemployment-related stress is an afterthought. Although instead of moving right along and falling into the bad-habits of blowing paychecks on dinners out and overpriced tank tops, I am writing to say how much value there was to not having work. There is value when you have only $812 in your checking account - and rent is $800 and there are two bills that are due. There is value when you drink your first microbrew after a month of choking back cheap beers. There is value when you have to remember to file for unemployment every single week. There is value to drinking tea at home with your best friend and sharing a pot of pasta and sobbing over the fact that you are scared of what the future might not give you.
In the last year I have been forced to act, think, and react differently. It was filled with unexpected surprises that were sometimes unwanted. It was scary, it was sweet, and most importantly it was very humbling.

I am about a month and 8 days late in saying this, but here is to hope in 2010. Timing is never really what we want it to be (for instance I got laid off right after my 25th birthday, and I got kicked out of my apartment exactly one week after I started my temporary position.) However, the year is still young enough where we can hope that things might change for the best. I hope that the economy keeps creeping up and that unused talent starts to find themselves homes. I also hope that during this lull that we seem to be in that the young, creative, and restless people keep innovating and changing the way we do things. I hope that we don't give up all of this energy and that we keep working towards something better.

Call your mom.

Sometimes it's best to not update status all the time, get things organized, and regroup after a storm hits. Like putting your head under the covers and sleeping in for a while.
Since my last post I moved, tried to get settled in, got used to a new neighborhood (where it is much quieter, something that I'm still trying to get accustomed to), lost a lot of sleep, and felt out of odds. Instead of filling every moment with something to distract me from what was happening, I took about a month (and one long weekend) to stay here and focus on regaining some of that energy I spent. It's not completely back yet, but I intend that soon I'll get it back 100 percent. Proof of this, is that I've started cooking again, and although the new stove isn't running on gas heat, it's far better than the old electric one I had earlier this year.

I haven't found the best photo of my new place yet (it looks the best when the sun is out, and each time I forget to take a picture), and some parts of the apartment haven't been put away yet (for instance, the office). However, this place has yellow walls, a full patio, two floors, and two bedrooms. This is by far the nicest apartment I have ever lived in, considering the circumstance in which I moved in. To make a long story short, I got my vacate notice, searched and found this place, packed, and moved in within exactly 8 days.

Everything around me feels very different. This new job isn't new anymore, and in fact it's about to grow into a bigger opportunity than I expected. My apartment is finally starting to feel "lived-in", due to the following cooking I have done to break in this new place:
Greek Salad
Spicy Pork Chops (this turned out to be absolutely amazing and I had no clue as to what I was doing)
Goat Cheese Mashed Potatoes
Kale (3 times)
Spaghetti with olive oil, red peppers, and garlic
Beef stir-fry
Shrimp and Scallops with Asparagus
Steak (yes!)
Breakfast burritos
Chocolate Chip cookies (2 times)
Black bean soup
BLT sandwiches

I chose to prepare the easiest things on purpose, sometimes with the help of friends, and sometimes on a whim. However the apartment doesnt seem to be completely broken in just yet. I have been craving hearty, simpler things now that its a little cooler out. During this time I just crave anything familiar, safe, and warm. The above picture is something that makes me feel all of the above. It's my mother and the family pug, whom I tried to talk to using video and Skype!
I have gone back and forth in deciding which recipe to feature of my mom's. This will probably be the first of many. There was a soup that she would make when I was little. It was creamy, hearty, and filled with everything I craved when that first snap of cold would hit. This isn't one of those healthy recipes, or something that uses alternatives to cut fat. This is something straight out of your mother's recipe collection. It has ham, bouillon cubes, half and half, bay leaves, wild rice, corn....nothing but the original goods....
As I type this, my mother is probably practicing the art of carmelized onions, which she has tried many times. I have made this soup two times, and both times I haven't made it nearly as good as she does. After all of the simplest dishes I have made here, I think it's time for the challenge of repeating something that reminds me of home to finally break in this home.

WILD RICE AND HAM CHOWDER
1.5 C water
3/4 C uncooked wild rice - rinsed
1/2 C flour (don't you dare use wheat flour!)
1/2 C chopped onion
3 cloves minced garlic
1/4 C Butter (yeah!)
4 C Water (set aside)
4 Chicken Bouillon cubes (I actually had to ask to see where these were at the grocery store one time. The clerk even looked confused.)
1.5 C cubed potatoes
1/2 C chopped carrots
1/2 tsp thyme
1/2 tsp nutmeg
Several turns of a pepper mill
1 can of whole kernel corn
2 C Half and Half (I should mention now that the introductory line for this recipe says "Great to serve to a group of friends after a holiday caroling party". I hope to heck that this line was written at least 30 years ago)
3 C Cooked Ham
1 Bay leaf

In Medium Saucepan, combine 1.5 C water and wild rice. Bring to a boil, reduce heat. Cover; simmer 35-40 minutes. Do not drain.
In large saucepot, saute onion and garlic in margarine until tender, stir in flour *TIP: FLOUR CAN BURN, DO THIS CAREFULLY* cook for 1 minute, stirring constantly. Gradually stir in 4 cups room-temp water and bouillon. Add potatoes, carrots, thyme, nutmeg, pepper, and bay leaf. Bring to a boil, reduce heat. Cover and simmer 10-30 minutes until slightly thickened. Add corn. Cover and simmer additional 15-20 minutes until vegetables are tender. Stir in half-and-half, ham, and rice, cook until thoroughly heated.

The Last Meal

I am writing to you while I am surrounded by packing tape, boxes, dust bunnies, and furniture out of place. I am writing to you after two weeks of a brand-new job that is going fabulously well, and a notification I received last Friday that I had to vacate my apartment for "unfortunate circumstances". I'll spare you the bad details, (it wasn't an eviction notice), but in one weekend my parents and I searched, looked, viewed, and found a new apartment that is larger, brighter, nicer....and it has a bigger kitchen.
I also had to say goodbye to my old computer, which crashed on me last Monday and never really got back to it's old self again. I am writing to you from a newer version of itself. In 14 days my life went from unemployed to very employed, from apartment to apartment, from depressed to back to good spirits, and from an old computer to a shiny new one.

I think I'm kind of tired....

I am writing to you while sitting in an apartment that I only moved into 6 months ago.
While I hate like heck to leave this place (especially the gas stove, it's proximity to New Seasons, and it's surprisingly short distance to two bars, a famous bagel place, and the best breakfast restaurant Portland has to offer), I am looking forward to moving into another apartment. It is about the size of a duplex, with two floors, two bedrooms (!), and even a patio.
So far this year I've taken a few surprising (and unnannounced) bumps in the road, lemons, bad moments (or whatever you call it now) and done my best to turn it around into a smooth shoulder, lemon pound cake, and a good time. The year isn't over yet, and neither is summer - I'm both excited and scared for what the next 4 months of 2009 holds.
Upon hearing the news that I needed to vacate my apartment, and after my mom and I pinned down the new place, I invited my good friend Sarah over for one last meal in this apartment (she lived here before I did). The above picture is what we ate: a simple meal that held all the goods. Kale, salami, chevre, fresh bread, Kalamata olives, and cherry tomatoes. All of which was washed down with a $7 bottle of Chianti. We sat in my little window that pushes out into a makeshift balcony and listened to the traffic outside die down so we could listen to the silence.
Both Sarah and I have endured the heat this apartment holds in the summer. Sarah can tell you stories of how the front door freezes shut in the winter. We both know how cool it is to have the balcony. We both love the makeshift fireplace that serves as the sole heater in the apartment. We both hate those attic stairs while doing laundry. We both know it only takes 20 seconds to get from the front door to Kettleman's Bagels in the morning. Everything here was simple, quaint, and cozy.
This is my last night here. I feel very fortunate to have been laid off during the time I was here because I got to spend a lot of time in this apartment just before I had to leave it. I also feel very fortunate to have started this blog while living here, because I got A LOT of use out of that gas stove. I am also glad that a lot of those unexpected turns in life happened while I was living here.
I intend my next post to be from the new place. It might take me a while, I don't know what the next week or two will hold (maybe even a permanent position at the place I am currently at, which is right now, temporary). Hopefully though I can fill you in on the first meal I made to break in the stove, and share with you (FINALLY) another recipe.

Soup From a Can

A lot has happened in the last week and a half. Most notably: I have a job!!!!!! I start on Monday (a 6 week temporary position, however there is much hope that it turns into a permanent position), and I'm taking over some duties as the Marketing Coordinator for Glumac. Since the good news happened yesterday, I've been doing some celebrating on my own: I've finished three books, enjoyed myself at a couple of happy hours, had breakfast with a friend, and cooked by far one of the most interesting meals of my life. However, it's that exact meal that I feel is appropriate to send me off into my new future.

It's been raining the past couple of days. After such sunny, summery weather it's easy to just want to stay inside and cuddle up with a book (hence why I finished three, trust me this never happens!) and make some sort of comfort food. A couple days ago, I made a vegetarian stroganoff (recipe coming soon!), this morning my friend Erin and I had a "champagne breakfast" complete with mimosa and a scramble at Blue Pig, and just now my friend Sarah and I have polished off an accidental pot of "Spaghetti-O's".

Let me repeat myself, we did not intend for this to happen. Accident.

Sarah likes Tomato soup, and ever since last night at the happy hour at Eastburn, where I watched a girl scarfing down tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich - I've been craving it. Sarah is the queen of comfort food, so this afternoon she e-mailed me with the grand idea of Tomato soup for dinner, and I would make the grilled cheese. Well, since she's on a diet (and I had too much dairy for the day) we skipped on the grilled cheese part, and by the time she showed up in my kitchen we had three small cans of tomato soup, saltine crackers....and that was it.

This girl and I go way back to our freshman year of college where we quickly found out what it means to be improvisational gastronomes: spicing up our pizza with herbs and different types of vegetables, seeing just how far we could take a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and I believe one time we made a salsa from canned tomatoes. Some of it was good enough to eat, there were times when we really wished that the macaroni and cheese had stayed macaroni and just cheese, but we were proud of our creations and our quick thinking.

As Sarah was pouring soy milk into the steaming pot of tomato soup, I was searching around my fridge for any possible pairings other than just saltine crackers. Leftover from my vegetarian stroganoff was a bowl of cooked yet naked pasta, still perfectly al dente and sitting right in front of me. Maybe it was the book from culinary genius/still curmudgeonous author Anthony Bourdain that I had just finished that made me do it: but I heated the bowl up and threw the pasta into the tomato mix, not realizing until halfway finished that I was in fact - making spaghetti'o's. Why waste a perfectly good bowl of pasta on just olive oil and garlic anyways? This might be more fun. Cheap, ridiculous, but fun. After a dusting of Parmesiano Reggiano (Ok, so I splurge on my cheeses please give me a break, I'm about to be employed), a couple turns of fresh pepper, some finishing salt, and a kick of cayenne - we called it good and sat down with steaming bowls of our version of Spaghetti'O's. Or Poor Man's Spaghetti. Or whatever.

I have eaten at several notable restaurants, tasted everything from Osso Bucco at the Veritable Quandary, to the perfect squash puree at Andina, to a gorgeous cut of Toro Tuna anyone could ask for at Murata's. I have eaten fresh pasta, Pig that was freshly killed and prepared, and dark greens from farmer's markets. I have had the joy of eating croissants that had just come out of the oven at St. Honore, and gotten giddy over the "crack" of the carmelized layer of Creme Brulee and tasted the ocean from oysters with a small drop of lemon juice.

Sitting on my couch on the eve of a new job and a new opportunity that would give me that same freedom to taste all that I previously mentioned again, I transcended into the very simple pleasure of eating a very simple meal on a really tight budget. The tomato soup was the perfect consistency with the right amount of creaminess, and the pasta had added a little bit of a thickening factor while still maintaining it's shape and doneness. The finishing salt and cayenne had added just the right amount of flavor needed to brighten the soup, and the dusting of cheese made it that much more special. It wasn't overly salty, it wasn't bland, it wasn't a congealed mess. I'm really not kidding you, Sarah and I kinda hit this one out of the park. Call it what you may, but I couldn't have asked for a better cheap meal on one of the last days of being unemployed. It was a stroke of luck and timing on both our parts to come up with something this simple, stupid, and good. I could try putting down the recipe, but try making this (if you even want to) on your own.

Unemployed Tip #4: Misbehave as much as you can

The purpose of this blog is to provide you all with a positive voice in order to cut through all the other crap that's out there, for instance, reading declining quarterly earnings, increasing foreclosures, increasing demand for healthcare, and decreasing funding for public services. Or just to help you get over a bad breakup, a dwindling bank account, or even a bad hair day.

However, in order to keep up a positive and informative site....I have to keep up a positive and informative attitude. This can be hard.

The last several nights though I have been blessed to stay up past bedtime (for me, that's usually around 10:30 PM), and eat with friends both new and old. In fact, just last night I played a board game for about two hours over a $4 bottle of wine, hummus, and gummy bears. Probably not the classiest mix of foods, but with the game, conversation, and laughter tossed in - who cared if the wine glasses were in fact ceramic mugs and the hummus was slathered on chips with a dollop of guacamole on top? The greatest part, is that when you get a small group of friends together to eat, more than likely you'll end up with more food than what was there to begin with (for instance, I am now the proud owner of a pint of blackberries, two wheat pitas, a box of champagne grapes, and half a box of Rice Krispie cereal, all of which came in from friends who pitched in for food.)

This week so far though has been a testy one. It's hard to keep your head above the water when there aren't many job postings, and your friends are slowly being laid-off, or their hours are being reduced. There are days when I do stuff where all I'm trying to do is just get by, or fill in the hours. I'm admitting this now because it's the truth. I'm also admitting this now because I'm human and yeah there are times when it sucks to be unemployed, and I kinda sit there with my coffee cup in one hand, my head in my other hand and think "What am I going to do in six months if I'm still unemployed?"

The above picture is of my friend Cristy. She is someone who knows how to take anything ordinary and turn it into a hilarious situation. For instance, this moment was captured when she took two decorative items and decided it would be a good idea to balance them on her head and see how far she could walk. It was her day off, it was 2:35 PM, and a sudden burst of energy (perhaps it was the yellow walls!) made her do this. Everything that was bothering me earlier was sucked out of me as I watched her try to walk with a very heavy bowl/vase on top of her head (that bowl, which I am the proud owner of now!)

That evening I made Rice Krispie treats (with peanut butter and chocolate chips!) late at night with Kate. I don't remember the last time I have made Rice Krispie treats, but at that moment, nothing could beat getting our hands sticky with melted marshmallows, or the hilarity that ensued when we both realized that the cereal was falling on the floor and not into the bowl. That was a Tuesday night. I felt like I was a kid again, giddy that I was staying up into the wee hours of the morning on a school night.

When you are unemployed, down and out, feeling bad, or even confused - do whatever it takes to make yourself laugh. It's times like this that you can't put down on your resume, and let's face it you kinda have to curb it at work. So, my tip for you today is to let it out. It doesn't have to involve downing as much PBR as possible or doing keg stands like you did in college. Fun and laughter come for free (surprise!)


Late Night Rice Krispie Treats

3 T Butter
4 C Miniature Marshmallows
6 C Rice Krispie cereal
1 C creamy peanut butter
1/2 C chocolate chips

Melt butter in large saucepan over medium heat. Add the marshmallows and stir until melted. Remove from heat.
Slowly mix in the cereal. (This is when it gets fun!).
Fold in peanut butter and chocolate chips
Spoon mixture out into 9x12 inch dish
With wax paper, press down onto the mixture, spreading it out evenly in the pan

Don't even take the time to cut them into neat little squares. Just dig in with your hands.

Time from prep to mouth: about 20 minutes
Cost: Rice Krispie cereal - $2.50, Marshmallows - $1.99, Peanut butter - $2.99, Chocolate Chips: $2.99

Whew!

The last week or so I've been trying to stay away from the computer unless to do something of importance (aka: apply for jobs, email) instead of actually writing. The heat wasn't very nice to any of us, and it certainly wasn't too nice to my computer. Every time my computer got too hot, it threatened to shut down. Of course, as I expected the heat also affected my writing, creativity, and took it's toll on productivity. For the most part I did what a lot of you did, sat in front of a fan and sweated!
Although the hot weather threw me off of my normal routine, I managed to get through it in the best of ways, (and through a couple of nights spent in a hotel room with AC! Thanks Katie and Mom!) and soon the 105-107 degree heat will start cooling off (Rain is predicted for this Thursday, folks!).
I also went off of my normal routine of cooking. I did a lot of trips to the New Seasons deli, tried to scrounge free food at parties, and mostly drank a lot of iced tea and water. I also got creative in ways to cool down.....

1.) I learned this a long time ago in one of my "Seventeen" magazines when I was in high school. Take all of your daily toiletries, including shampoos, face washes, lotions, sunscreen, etc and put them in the fridge.

2.) Keep a spray bottle next to you. Throw in some herbs like lavender or rosemary if you have some on hand.

3.) Ice Cubes.

4.) Go to a coffee house where they give you $.50 refills on iced tea and coffee and do your job search there. The air-conditioned space is worth the $2.50 that you spend.

5.) Keep a couple wet washcloths in the fridge.

In the dead heat of last week I managed to get to the river with a couple of friends, nail an interview (Fingers crossed!), finish a book, celebrate a friend's birthday, got back together with another few friends from college, saw my boyfriend who was in from New York this weekend (yay!), and we went to a wedding of a childhood friend of mine (Congrats Katie and Elijah!). Although unemployment certainly hinders other means of lifestyle, such as buying a plane ticket to Europe or a $50 shirt at Anthropologie, it definitely makes meeting up with friends seem more leisurely and fun, as you aren't running up to the bar every hour getting another $4 drink. Instead, things are more focused on conversation, slowing things down, being creative and finding better (and cheaper) things to do. Having to scratch by makes buying a beer or a bottle of Kombucha a treat. This is probably the poorest I've been in a long time, but is by far the best summer ever, record heat and all.