Day 1

It has been about 5 months since I last did a post. I broke my promise, and I stopped writing. In the course of time between my last post and this one, I got more than enough opportunities to learn a lesson in life. I got all confused and moody and you know, just kinda grouchy.

The scary part I think was when I realized that I had let myself go.

I took a break from feeling nervous and confused about finding a job, thinking about what I needed to do to get ahead in life and just kinda coasted for a while eating the fruits of my labor and turning off my peripheral vision so I could just go to work and come home and go to work. I think that everyone is right when they say that one needs an "outlet". I have gone through many phases of outlets and they come and go whenever I feel like it. The two that mainly stuck with me though was cooking and writing - and those were the two that actually made me feel better and calmed me down, but mostly they just kept me grounded. For 5 months I told myself that I was too busy to do either of these and I ended up being miserable.

I forgot how much joy there can be in just prepping food. I also forgot how much joy there is in writing (not proofreading or editing or formatting). Because I wasn't incorporating an outlet, my stress from everyday things including my job started to eat at me - for instance, my stomach now burns on a scale from "ouch" to "oh Jesus Christ" after I eat any meal. Because of this, cooking anything that takes any sort of preparation, such as dicing onions or getting rid of the seeds in a Jalapeno or watching over a sauce isn't an option. I hurt even after eating toast.

Today, upon realizing how I can manage to get back my grace and strength and composure, I realized just how pretty my little burrito looked before I popped it in the microwave. I took a picture of it and I remembered why I started this blog in the first place. My first sentence in my first post was that I intended that this blog would make people happy. I had no clue where it might go, but I figured that if I blended my two loves of food and writing into one it just might go somewhere and be something. That little burrito reminds me of when I would make one before racing out the door to go to class in college and when I would just make one after a long day in the office because I just wanted something fast and sustainable. It also reminded me that it's one of the things that I make that I never get tired of, regardless of how stupid and simple it is. I also realized that in the last 5 months...I never made any little burritos. I never even made macaroni and cheese out of the box. I never managed to let myself go and succumb to stress and just make something quick. I just remained in the perpetual cycle of stress, and forgetting what it really means to make something good to eat. It's like I had forgotten how to cook.

I took the photo of the burrito and started writing this while eating it. Never has black beans out of the can or mozzarella cheese out of a bag tasted so wonderful. Of course, my stomach spoke just a little but I quieted it with a couple of acidophilus tablets. I hope that with time I will be able to eat everything again and make the time to actually prep something and cook it and eat it and enjoy it and write about why I did so.

My little burrito was the last reminder that I've come back, which is why I've titled this post "Day 1".